Actually, the kids have been enjoying when I run away, because within minutes they follow. They really are never far from me, they find me no matter where I go. Sometimes I hide myself in my closet when I’m talking on the phone so that I don’t sound like a crazy mom shouting at the children to be quiet or I will tape their mouths shut. Ok, I’ve never actually said this, maybe thought it but never done it.  So when they follow me up and turn my bed into a trampoline, I’ve found if I lay pretty still with the covers pulled up, it gives me a few minutes to myself, before they start digging under the covers to find mind. Tonight when this happened, I was  suprised when they dug me out, to find out I had four naked bodies in the bed with me.

I just got myself side tracked there…so anyway….with this time I’ve had to lay in bed, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Actually, I’ve been doing some serious thinking for the past few months.  Sometimes I have so much going on in my head, I actually can’t fall asleep.  So I’ve been thinking a lot about life and what role I want in it, for myself, as a mother, as a wife.  And I realized I want the direction of my blog to change a bit. I’m still going to include stories of what the kids did and our crazy household, but I want it to have a bit more depth to it. There is something else I’m putting together that I am very excited about too, but it’s not quite ready, so I’m not telling yet. But it has to do with raising spirits, giving hope, and feeling good about differences you can have in other people’s lives. So hopefully when I get it all put together and figured out, I can get some readers, so that we can affect and make a difference to more people.  Because there is so much that we can do globally but also locally….in so many different ways.

You’re going to think I’m crazy after I write this, and maybe I am. But one of the things I’ve decided is, I want to be more open, honest, and loving.  I’m not the person I hope to be yet, and I’ve got a lot of soul searching still to do. But sometimes I sit and think what I would hope people would feel at my funeral. I warned you, you would think I was crazy. The characteristics I would want people to feel I was, I’m not all there yet. And I know some of them will be a big struggle, and each day I will have to remind myself and start over and work harder to get there.  But as we’ve all heard so many times before that it sounds cheesy now saying it: We only have one life to live.  And as Mother Theresa said: (I just might quote her often, I love her wisdom) ”Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin”

So here I begin this new journey, with lots of things to come…..

Eve picked out her outfit today…for a comfy day at home. The two of them are starting to insist oh picking their clothes. Sometimes I catch them in their closets just looking at their clothes….oh boy.

After supper tonight we got the color wonder (where you color the special paper and it goes on clear and dries the color) out for the kids to do before bath. I was helping elijah so Nan was helping the girls. Gracie asked Nan to help color so she picked one and started to color. After a couple of seconds she said, “oh that’s white” and got another color only to have the same outcome. After doing this with five of the markers I realized what she was doing and explained the concept to her. Gracie then laughs and says “silly nanny”. Then elijah looks at Gracie and in a serious voice says “Gracie, she’s pretty old you know”. I love you Nan xox

After supper tonight we got the color wonder (where you color the special paper and it goes on clear and dries the color) out for the kids to do before bath. I was helping elijah so Nan was helping the girls. Gracie asked Nan to help color so she picked one and started to color. After a couple of seconds she said, “oh that’s white” and got another color only to have the same outcome. After doing this with five of the markers I realized what she was doing and explained the concept to her. Gracie then laughs and says “silly nanny”. Then elijah looks at Gracie and in a serious voice says “Gracie, she’s pretty old you know”. I love you Nan xox

Although I love my job, it is physically and emotionally draining at times.  A lot is expected of me and people do not always realize the sacrifices I have made at times to keep it running. But it’s not my job right now draining me.

Do you know at least once a day I am told I a crazy for having four children. I don’t think this at all. Actually up until a couple months ago, we were going to be welcoming another to the household. I have to say, I was very excited, because this was a bit of a fluke. After having Kaleb, we thought we were done with babies so took the steps to make that a reality. Not the first time we made a decision too quickly. Then newborns starting flooding the studio and I realized we acted too soon, I wanted more. I kept this to myself for awhile, but then one day when my husband said to me out of the blue that he was sad Kaleb was our last baby and would have been happy to have more, I told him I thought the same. Little did I know, that was already a reality.

When my body started feeling strange and I felt sick a lot, I thought, impossible, but might as well check, especially with our luck. And I was. However within 48 hours, things changed and I knew my joy wouldn’t be for long. I called my sister to tell her what was happening, but it’s not like she could do anything. I had two days of happiness, and now months of saddness.

I can’t even really talk about it with anyone becuase the small amount I’ve told have said I should be happy with the four I have. Of course I am, I feel blessed every day when I look at my beautiful children. Elijah is so kind and sweet, Gracie never allows for any silence to hit your ears, Eve shows so much expression and strong will, and Kaleb is my rough and tumble momma’s boy. Of course I am lucky and blessed. I know that. I realize that every time I am called to the hospital to photograph babies that didn’t make it….and I realize that every day in between. But that doesn’t mean losing this one is not hard. I have now had as many miscarriages as I have pregnancies. And unless you have had one, you can’t quite understand the loss you feel. Whether you already have one, four or ten children, having a miscarriage is still devestating. One day you have a little life inside you, and then within moments that can all change.

I’ve lost many people already in my  life. My pop who did a great job giving us an amazing childhood. He stepped in and made up for the grandparents that didn’t care enough to know me. Actually I’ve lost a whole side of my family, but I guess when you don’t really know them, that loss is different.

I’ve lost a sister and her three boys.

I’ve lost a nephew that although he was only here for five days, has had a huge impact on my life.

And now I’ve lost 3 babies.

So next time you see me and are going to tell me I’m crazy for having four children, don’t. Just keep that to yourself. Because everytime I hear that now and knowing I won’t have any more chances, (and feeling very sorry for myself that I made a decision too soon) it’s like a kick in the gut. And I really don’t need to be reminded that I’m blessed to have the four I have. I already know. Especially when there are so many out there that can’t have just one. But that still doesn’t make me feel less sad.

Sorry that this was not the usual post about the funny things that happen in the Bickle household…as there are many. And I know miscarriage is still a taboo thing to talk about, but sometimes, you just have to spill your guts. I will return to telling the funny things my kids do and say, because I have for sure been slacking on this….

This is our new dog betty. She has been coming to work with me this week and this is how she likes to sleep.

I have to say, kaleb sometimes gets away with more then he should because he’s the baby. And right now he’s in the wonderful temper stage. This is what I just got by saying no more cheesies…

After being gone for a week, this is what I came home to…